There’s a lot of ‘what not to do at the work Christmas party’ flannel getting about at this time of year. What tedious affairs they would all be if everyone was to tip toe in wearing their sensible shoes and best behaviour. You’ve worked hard, you’ve had your hair pinned up in that tight little bun all year and it’s time to let it down and get loose. It’s the silly season, time to get your silly on and check off your Christmas party to do list.
1. Wear an inappropriate outfit. After all, every employer likes a bit of risqué taking. For the girls, leopard print bodycon is the new black. If you team it with gum boots and pink hair everyone will think you’re quirky and adorable. Go for less is more because a nipple slip is the new party trick, especially during a bit of impromptu karaoke. For the fellas, the Op Shop pale blue suit is a winner – so funky and original. Wear it with converse and you’re a style pages shoe-in. If anyone is stuck for an outfit, particularly if you work in the fashion industry, go the trackies and uggs, such classics. But don’t ever wear something comfy that suits your style and character, everyone will bitch about predictability and never leaving comfort zones. Play it safe and you might as well forget about promotion.
2. Drink as much as you like. It’s free and you’ll be a knockout on the dance floor (everyone will envy your naked twerk and call you Miley for the rest of your life, how cool is that?). And with some dutch courage you can tell your boss how you need a payrise to cover your botox costs, cry on her shoulder about your sick cat and suggest she start using Listerine for her stinky breath. Yay, courage, honesty, flattery and intimacy all in one slurry chat. Go you.
3. Take the opportunity to consummate your office crush. What better time? You’re looking gorgeous, you’re full of confidence bubbles and there’s a dark corner behind the DJ. Never mind that your target is devoted to their family and head of HR, you only live once. And if you get lucky, try to nail them on the photocopier, that way you print out their butt and use it for future leverage. Wins all ‘round.
4. Make sure you buy the most inappropriate Kris Kringle – everyone will think you’re so hilarious. Ideas include depilatory vouchers, Rogaine foam, fem-fresh, I want to shag you mugs, I am the office bitch mugs, I have an ugly mug mugs, fake one way tickets to Greenland.
Stick with these new FUN rules and you can’t go wrong. Stupid is the new silly people. Have a merry Christmas.
This article was contributed by Meg Bignell.